He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
