The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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