i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
