Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
