New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
