Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
