8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
