Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
