I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
