i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
