cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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