HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
