Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
