I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
