I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
