So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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