I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
