I wish I could teleport
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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