this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
