Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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