I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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