Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
