This is not my ceiling
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
