he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
