I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
