M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
