Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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