I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
