Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
