Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
