Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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