yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
