Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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