dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
