yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
