just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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