I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
