My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
