u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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