What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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