so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
