just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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