You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
