I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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