Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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