woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
