I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
