Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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