come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
