I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i think my cat just said my name.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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