Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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