Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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