pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
