the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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